THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
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Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]