Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
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Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
decorating my apartment
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse