“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
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There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days