I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
a god among men
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.