Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.