Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
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My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.