Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
not seeing the problem
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack