When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
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My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.