If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
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[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
SF is the wild wild west man
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.