Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
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Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t