Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
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My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Check out the legs on this baby
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.