Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
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When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products