*pronounces patio like ratio
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Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Whisper out to librarians!
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?