Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
how it started vs how it ended
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.