I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA