i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
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Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.