Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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u spoke cat all this time??????
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.