Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Bringing home a sharpie
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Just had my nails done!
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now