* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
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My whole life was a lie.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
selena gomez
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.