Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
You Might Also Like
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Namaste
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back