What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
You Might Also Like
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?