*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
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Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST