I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My typo game is string.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started