Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
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if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
ok like just. call me at this point
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.