must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.