Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
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On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
When you kidnap a writer.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.