my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
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I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it