18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
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Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I would move hell over six inches for you
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
dutch so unserious
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.