Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes