My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
thank god
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):