You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses