I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
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I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.