Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
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Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
North and South
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot