[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
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More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My first son he is wonderful
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.