I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
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*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
my friends when i can’t do basic math
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
what it’s like dating me:
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien