Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
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Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Shortcut
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
March 16
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: