[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
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me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Why am I like this?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.