Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
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The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Sharon, call the vet
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.