If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
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We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
birds and squirrels envy us
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣