Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”