“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP