I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Nomnomnomnom