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ME: finally a program for me
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Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
That’s it.I’m out.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking