Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
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I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something