People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
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In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
There is wisdom there.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?