For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name