Just got to our Airbnb!
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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
oh my god
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
This forever.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer