ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
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“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
When the stylist spins you back around
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that