Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”