National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
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No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Pretty much! 😂👀
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck